EIGHT SIMPLE STEPS TO BECOMING THE BATMAN
by I Am the Batman Dag Nab It
Summary: Come on, click the link to this story, you know you want to. Who would turn down a chance to become Batman? WARNING: Do NOT read if you question your sense of humor. Thank you very much.


**Authors Jibber Jabber**:Do NOT read if you  
aren't keen in the world of Batman. You won't  
get all the jokes.

**Authors Jibber Jabber** **Part Two!:**This is not meant  
to be a insult towards Batman what-so-ever.

**Disclaimer: **I don't need to own Batman. I... AM ...The Batman!  
Too bad DC Comics didn't think so.

**WARNING: **Please don't take- Hahah. Who am I kidding? I hope you  
all take this story serious.

* * *

**EIGHT SIMPLE STEPS TO BECOMING BATMAN**

Forget Super Man and Spider Man. And who cares about Wonder Woman? Has it just simply always been your life long dream to be Batman? Yeah? Wow! Well than lucky you! You've just stumbled upon the ultimate how-to guide for becoming the best Batman you can be! If you follow all of these steps, you too can be the legendary, _Dark Knight_.

**WARNING:** Any injuries sustained to ones self due to carrying out the steps in this guide are completely and  
utterly the fault of you stupidity. In which, clarifying the fact that they are _NOT_, under any circumstances, to be  
whined about in reviews to _I AM the Batman Dag Nab It_. Thank you very much.  
_This message was brought to you by the law offices of; Wouldn't YOU Like to Know!?_®

**STEP ONE: **The first step to becoming Batman is not by any means preparing your self. No. Being Batman is all about being "smart" and "strong." However, not everyone can be Batman. Its hard work getting out there acting like a fool pretending to be Batman. You must first understand once you become Batman, that's it. It's a one way rode that leaves no room to turn back what so ever. Therefore, once Batman, ALWAYS Batman.

**STEP TWO: **When you are 100% positive you're sure you want to be Batman, make a list. What does Batman know that you don't? Make sure the list consisting of arguments such as physical training, knowledge, and if you aren't already at a healthy mental state, jot down some steps on how to get there. Your list should look a little bit like this:

A…Strength:

_- At least a basic training in the Keysi Fighting Method (Or KFM)_

B…Knowledge:

_- An understanding of the criminal mind_

C…Healthy Mental State:

_- No ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) or ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder)_

A…Strength Expanded: Know kung fu you say? Well you can shove that up your butt hole! If you would like to stand a chance against your arch enemies, then learn something new. Keysi Fighting Method is the fighting style Batman uses the take down his enemies, and so can you. There's no guarantee you'll actually pass a course in KFM of all things, but if your instructor is optimistic enough, I'm sure he will get a kick out of watching you fail.

B…Knowledge Expanded: Batman didn't just fall down a well, get bombarded by bats, then next day say, "Hey, I think I'll be Batman!" He went away for seven or eight long years to train and stock up on all the crime fighting information he could. And before that, he when through a really traumatic event in which he lost both his parents. But who has that kind of time? Simply google "understanding the criminal mind" and BAM, all the science you could want to know on the criminal psyche.

C…Healthy Mental State Expanded: Make sure your not insane. Please. The last thing Gotham needs right now is another lunatic strutting the streets screaming, "I'm Batman! Fear me! Muwahahahah!!" Scarecrows got that covered. And ADD and/or ADHD are no better. If you have such a mental condition, then you know your tendency to forget things. And the fact that we get distracted easily. Meaning you will not, nor will you _ever_, make it as Batman if you get bored in the middle of a fight with Joker that determines Gotham's fate, then you start to wonder what Alfred would look like doing the Macarena in a bikini. If you have medication, like myself, remember to take it.

**STEP THREE: **Now this step is not as easy as you might think. However, all you'll need is someone to agree to be your favorite villains. And make sure to leave out the part about how they'll be constantly terrorized by you. Its hard enough not to get them to want to be Batman themselves. I mean, come on. Who doesn't? If possible, make these bad guys people you hate. It would also be helpful if you could get a substitute Alfred, and a Lucius Fox to be around when you feel it appropriate. They aren't very important unless you have the money to purchase a mansion and a Bat suit made of Kevlar thread and carbon nanotube fibers. So card board cut outs of them will do just fine.

**STEP FOUR: **Yes, The Bat-Suit. If you'd like to fight crime the right way, then you will need one of those. A trash bag should do nicely. Don't forget the Batman logo! And when it comes to the mask, don't be lame like Robin. Cover your whole head! A small black bag, such as the ones you get when buying something from Radio Shack, should do nicely as well. Cutting holes is optional. If you prefer to breath that is. This way you can set up a walkie talkie radio underneath the bag. Don't worry about appearing crazy when seemly talking to nobody while keeping a public place safe from crime. They just want you to think that they think you're crazy. They're shy.

**STEP FIVE: **You CAN'T be Gorge Clooney!

**STEP SIX:** A side kick. Having one of these is important. With no super powers of any kind, fighting crime without one just isn't within our reach. Any who, a sidekick can be pretty much anyone. Your dog should be loyal. So I would say that he's your best bet. Don't forget, what does dog spell backwards? Yeah, so no turning your back on a crime that you just don't _feel _like helping out with. Because he's watching you.

**STEP SEVEN: **A Batmobile. You'll need duck tape, glue, and a black tarp. Use the tape and/or glue to plaster the black tarp to your moms mini van, cutting out the windows, and cutting the out line of the doors so you can see and get in is a must. Your mom and dad will love it! No drivers license? Ha, you're Batman. A mini van with a black tarp covering it doesn't look suspicious at all! No, no, no. NO. No cop in there right mind would stop The Batman. When they're chasing you, it just means they're jealous, and want to help. Don't slow down or stop when you see the obstacle of cop cars ahead of you. That's all a test. They want you to plow right through them. And that's how you make yourself known. Though, they will probably mistake your name for the word, WANTED. Simply go down to the MCU and they'll get that all straightened out for you.

**STEP EIGHT: **Okay, now assemble your villains, put on your Bat-Suit, hop in your Batmobile, and its time to get out there, and be… Batman!!! Congratulations! Oh I'm so proud! Your diplomas in the mail you go getter you! But uh, I regret to inform you that there can only be one. If I so much as THINK about you being Batman, I'm breaking my one rule. It'll involve your head, probably on a stick, displayed on the mantel above my fireplace. Hahaha. No, I'm kidding =] Maybe not though... If you think about it... How much do you _REALLY _know about me? Hm? Something to think about. (P.S. I promise I'm kidding. I am not going to kill you.)


End file.
